I would like to tell on myself: share a story about how I learned the value and usefulness of asking for help.
First, I need to give you a bit of background. During this period of my life I lived in the beautiful State of Maine. One summer’s day, driving down a side street in the small town of Randolph, I spotted a hand-written sign: “HOUSE FOR SALE BY OWNER.” I’m a naturally curious fellow so I slowed down, stopped, put the car into reverse, got out of the car and examined what was an old Cape Cod style house. Several things caught my attention. There was a large Saint Bernard dog looking rather content, tied to the tree in front of the house. Several Road Island Red chickens and a large white goose strutted about, pecking at the ground. A combination lawn and graveled drive ended at a cracked wooden front door, with part of the trim and casing missing.
I felt a sense of intrigue and thought, “this house needs me.” I walked up the drive, knocked on the door and was immediately welcomed by the owners, husband and wife. I announced I had seen the sign. They were delighted someone had finally come to inquire. We chatted a bit - you know how it is just before talking business – seller and potential buyer want to size each other up. After a bit of “how long you lived in Maine,” and other trivial pursuit kinds of questions, I popped the big question: “How much you asking for the house?” “$13,000,” said the owner.” “Can I look her over,” I asked? “Sure, come on in,” said the wife.
Now folks, have you ever heard the term, “handyman’s special?” This house was indeed one of those “specials” if ever I saw one. There was not a speck of paint on the aged, curled, wooden clapboard siding. The kitchen was barely workable and things got really interesting as I entered the living room where the floor had begun to assume the shape of a funnel, sagging, no actually sinking downward, into the cellar. The wife explained, “there is a dirt cellar with a well and spring. It’s always wet down there and over the years the moisture has made the floor joints tender.” Well I could see that clear enough but heck, that just made the challenges offered by this house just more appealing to me. I loved the ageless character of the house.
I’ll bet you guessed what happened next. Yep, I bought that house. My wife and kids were not nearly as excited as I was but sometimes you need to act on a vision. It took us three years. We replaced the living room floor joists, removed the thick coat of gray paint from the wide pumpkin pine floors, had the house re-wired and hired a carpenter to re-model the kitchen. We all felt a real sense of pride. The house was a beauty.
Finally the day came to pour the cement floor in the cellar. Well, the washing machine and dryer had been removed during the cementing of the cellar and as soon as the cement dried, I moved both appliances back into position. That’s where I encountered a problem that would require the better part of two days of my time and cost me a fair amount of frustration.
I plugged the dryer cord into the electrical outlet and “that was easy.” it worked just fine. Then I proceeded to hook up the washing machine, attaching the hot and cold water hoses, leveling it, plugging it into the electrical outlet. I turned on the water.
Water gushed into the machine, just as it was supposed to do, but for some reason, the water ran straight through the machine, just as fast as it ran in. The tub would not fill as the water ran right out the black drain hose into the sump hole in the basement floor. This confounded me and after a few moments reflection I concluded something must have damaged the machine’s water pump when I moved it. So, being the mechanical genius I am, I decided the machine’s water pump must be stuck on the “pump water out position.”I grabbed my tool box, dug out an open-ended wrench, turned the machine on its side and proceeded to take it apart.
Perhaps you have never had the thrill of taking one of these machines apart. I never realized a washing machine is such a complicated piece of equipment. There are belts and pulleys going this way and that including what seems like miles of interwoven black, yellow, red and green wires, all attached to lots of stuff. I was careful not to disturb the wires, concentrating on removing the water pump. Finally, after struggling, and only one scraped finger needing a band aid, I got it out. The pump looked new and was as clean as it could be. I decided that the simple of act of removing it must have cured the problem and not knowing what else to do, bolted it back where it came from. I then turned the machine upright, plugged it in and turned on the water.
Guess what? Nothing had changed! The same problem occurred. Water gushed into the machine and ran out just as fast as it came in.I was frustrated. Now at this point I had been in the basement the better part of half a day. I’m so involved and frustrated by my lack of success I’m not even hungry and have lost awareness of the fact that I missed lunch. My adrenalin was pumping. I’m feeling determined, challenged.This machine was not going to defeat me.
Looking back I realize I did what many do when facing problems: continue to repeat doing what is unsuccessful. So what did I do? Well I turned that machine on its side, removed the water pump and hit on it with my hammer. It’s well known by some that when all else fails, the best cure for any mechanical device is to pound on it to convince it to cooperate. I then repeated the previous operations, put things back together, hooked up the hoses, plugged the electrical cord back in and turned on the water . Nut’s!!Nothing different: same problem.
At this point the sun has gone down. I have not had lunch and decided to take a break, recognizing that there was something wrong with the way I was approaching this problem. I really had no idea what the problem was. I was never big on asking for help but the idea was growing on e me. I decided to see if I could find a good consultant, someone who had experience and could help me with this problem. I decided to sleep on the problem and take a new approach in the morning.
The following morning I called the local plumbing shop. A woman answered the phone – I know she was 78 years of age, because I met her later when I visited the shop. She informed me all the repairmen were out on service calls. No one was available. I’m sure she could not miss hearing the sound of desperation and frustration in my voice. She suggested, “Young man perhaps there’s something I can do to help.”
I realize my initial reaction was a bit sexist. I thought to myself, “lady, I need an experienced repairman. What could you possibly know about these complicated washing machines that would help me?”
“Let’s see,” she said. She asked me the first of two questions: “Son have you recently moved that washing machine to a new location?” I said, “Yes, I’ve just cemented my cellar floor and moved the machine back into position.” “A strange question,” I thought to myself.
“OK, now son, let me ask you another question,” she said. “Do you have the top of the washing machine’s drain hose at least 36 inches off the floor?” I replied, “No, it’s lying on the floor so the water will go into the sump hole in the floor.” “Ooohhh!” I realized as soon as she asked the question! I understood immediately what my problem was. I recognized the solution. She went on to say, “Son, if you will pick that black hose up off the floor and put it where it belongs, 36” off the floor, you won’t have any more problems with your washing machine.”
I felt a surge of stupidity mixed with such a flood of relief and gratitude! I thanked this lovely lady, went immediately to the basement, picked the drain hose up off the floor, hung the curved end into the drain pipe where it belonged and the machine immediately filled with water.
This experience taught me several lessons about the need to ask for help and the true value of a good consultant. I have shared this story over the years and have met many who laughed with me. They understood because they had learned to ask for help only after failing for some reason.
First, join the club. Everyone has failed at something. Failure is valuable and most times is our greatest teacher. All of us learn to do, by doing. Unfortunately failure can cause us to fear taking responsible risks and when that occurs we stop learning and growing.
Second, when faced with a challenge or problem, the problem has to be correctly identified or it cannot be solved. Many times we try to solve problems repeating solutions that have not worked.
Third, asking for help from others is difficult. Others can help us define an issue more clearly, discover possible solutions and offer support. When we deny we need help a great deal of time, money, frustration and even our health can be wasted. In the case of substance abuse and dependency for example, it is common for individuals to deny a problem exists and to resist help.
Fourth, there is real value in seeking the services of a good consultant or coach. It is so easy to become enmeshed in our struggles resulting in an inability to see the problem or solutions clearly. We lose objectivity. A good consultant saves time, money, frustration and improves well-being.
Richard Wheeler, MA, LPC Adolescent - Adult - Behavioral Health Substance Abuse - DUI - Relationship Coaching 439 North Duke Street, Lancaster PA , 17602 Tel: 717.892.1547 • Fax: 717-459-3336
